I kept pushing forward, attending every show; going, changing my physique, changing my bathing suit.
I spent thousands of dollars on my suits, my heels, on everything; my training, EVERYTHING!
I kept pushing forward, kept pushing forward, but there was no way I was ever going to win because my ENEMY was so much STRONGER than I was.
She was building over the years all of that strength that she needed to PULL ME BACK! That enemy was ME! It was me. I DID that to myself. I FAILED to believe in myself.
I failed to feel alive, to OWN UP to what I worked so hard for every...single...show. I failed, and the enemy was me. And she was only getting stronger because I kept BUILDING these sad ass stories. POOR ME.
Everyone else around was to BLAME; except me.
I didn't care what anybody thought of me; I was going to go up on that stage and wave and blow kisses, and I am not going to get SHIT!.
So, I did precisely that. Something DEEP inside of me had to come out. It wasn't easy to say that and then I win, it wasn't that easy. It was years of PREPARATION, of FAILURES and feeling UNCOMFORTABLE.
It was years for me to step back up on stage and say,” I GOT THIS! I AM DONE.”
There are steps that you take to get there and never look back. There are times that you will take a little step back, but you won't last because you will become too POWERFUL for your enemy.
I get there, I stand strong and I WIN the whole show; I wave, I blow kisses and I am OUT.
I get off stage, and it gets WORSE. I wasn't meant to win to feel COMFORTABLE. To appreciate my win just yet; there was a PURPOSE and a reason that I won.
It wasn't to win and feel comfortable and walk off with that crown and the roses. It wasn't for any of that; it was the step I needed to feel UNCOMFORTABLE. To go through all of that UGLINESS to get to this point in my life.
I remember while I was doing that show, how great it would be to one day stand on this stage and EMPOWER other women, through my story. How can I get there if I can't even stand up to these bright lights and claim my win? Appreciate all of my hard work; who am I to own a stage like this? I MADE ALL of that possible. I took a RISK, beat the hell out of my enemy, and I WON!